Diagnostic Engine · Online

Your store is bleeding revenue.
The receipt is 30 seconds away.

The forensic audit Shopify operators submit to the board before approving a redesign. Eight conversion categories. Real benchmarks. A monthly dollar leak with the citation footnotes a CFO will accept. No signup. No card. The case file is yours in 30 seconds.

Customize the audit
Pick your audit voice:
Savage but on your side. Staging an intervention.

Free · No signup · No card · The receipt is yours in 30 seconds

[ THE GLOBAL BENCHMARKS ]

stripe.com 88/100
"Ruthless efficiency, bloated mobile DOM."
airbnb.com 85/100
"Masterclass in trust, labyrinthian SEO."
random-startup.com 34/100
"This is a cry for help."
your-site.com ? / 100
"Let's find out."
[ Sample Case File ]

This is what gets filed.

Three findings. One verdict. One monthly dollar number. Each finding footnoted to Baymard, Web Vitals, and Shopify Commerce Trends 2025. The kind of artefact a CFO will sign off on and an agency will bill against.

  • ▸ Defensible in a board meeting.
  • ▸ Citations footnoted in every line.
  • ▸ Forwardable as PDF, public link, or branded white-label.

[ COMPOSITE OF 3 REAL CASE FILES · ANONYMISED ]

Sample LeakAudit forensic case file showing three identified revenue leaks: trust score 31, mobile score 42, performance score 38, with $4,240 monthly haemorrhage verdict and cited methodology footer.
[ THE DIAGNOSIS · LIVE ]
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Stores on the slab

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Monthly leak identified

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Scored below 50

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How the Audit Works

Three steps. Zero mercy.

1
Data Capture

The Snap Judgment

We screenshot your site and see it exactly as your customers do.

2
Analysis

The Interrogation

Our AI cross-references against thousands of high-converting sites to find what's broken.

$
Diagnosis

The Financial Damage

You get a brutal score, a revenue leak estimate, and a detailed fix plan.

[ Empty Autopsy Guarantee ]

If we find nothing, you owe nothing.

Score ≥85 across all 8 categories and the audit is on us — and we'll publish your storefront as a public benchmark for everyone else to chase. A high-performing store is rare and useful. We don't charge to certify a healthy one.

Read the methodology →

FAQ

Everything you need to know before we hurt your feelings.

Can I trust an AI's number on a board-level conversation?

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Every dollar figure cites the benchmark study (Baymard Cart Abandonment Report, Shopify Commerce Trends 2025, Google Web Vitals thresholds, Apple HIG, Littledata). Citations are footnoted in every report. The methodology is public — see the full scoring rubric, weights, and edge cases. The AI is the researcher; the methodology is the moat.

What's in the $8.99 CPR Playbook?

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The free audit tells you what's broken. The CPR Playbook tells you how to fix it: step-by-step fix plans for all 8 categories, verbatim copy rewrites with before/after comparisons, viral growth hooks, a 30-day content calendar, a quick-wins checklist, and an email script to send your developer. One-time purchase per audit. No subscription.

How does the AI analyze my site?

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We capture a hi-res screenshot of your homepage, then feed it to GPT-4o Vision for 8-dimension analysis. Claude then generates the case file with specific references to YOUR design, copy, and layout. No templates. Every audit is unique.

How accurate are the scores?

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The AI scores 8 categories: First Impression, Copywriting, UX, SEO, Trust, Performance, Mobile, and Conversion Architecture. Most sites land between 30–60. Above 80 means you're in the top 5%. Below 20? We've seen it. The scoring is calibrated to be honest, not kind.

Is this actually useful or just mean?

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Both. Every audit is built on real UX, SEO, and conversion principles — Baymard, Web Vitals, and Shopify Commerce Trends benchmarks underneath. The Coroner voice is the delivery method, not the substance. The advice is what agencies charge thousands for. We make it entertaining enough that you actually read it.

Will you steal my website data?

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We capture a screenshot of your publicly visible homepage, the same thing any visitor sees. We don't access your backend, database, analytics, or anything behind a login. Your audit data is stored so you can revisit it, but we're not harvesting your secrets.
Audit In Progress
Intercepting Traffic...

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